It had been strange. There have been more moments when I was upset or angry than happy. But there have been times when I smiled.
But fine. That’s why I am leaving. I give up. I hate a lot of things here. And hate people too.
And I am gonna try harder this time. I am traveling. I may going to face what always was on my mind. What changed me and fucked with my life. But I am gonna try. I am gonna try to be happy. More free. To be truly myself.
And ha, I know I sound like “I hate everything and everyone, fuck off”. And it’s true I have felt that way too many times but…..
There have been incredible people too that I follow. Even though I didn’t agree 100% with their opinions. I liked those people. And those who still followed after reading my rants didn’t seem to mind them :]
And well. That’s it. Stop following me guys. My road is over. I didn’t want to give up on Jensen or Dean ♥ because I hate how the fandom treats him. The fandom and the writers. I am done with all that is important to you it’s your ships. Dean isn’t there just to complete your fanmade. And yes, I know he is just a fictional character but a lot of people here think that? And I really liked him because he and I were always the big older siblings.. and always do anything to protect our younger siblings. I was so attached to him because maybe he was like me and I wanted to give him some love. Give myself some self esteem because I never had any.
But like I said. I give up. I shouldn’t make myself upset. And here that happens. Because simply I can’t escape that /thing/. It makes me uncomfortable and angry. And before you think.. “just for that?” Well NO.
I have gone throught some things in my past that I don’t remember exactly and I don’t want to remember even if there are always some bits of those memories that came back.
And that’s my problem with it. It brings me painful and horrible memories from my childhood that I really REALLY try to not think about and that I want to forget. I wish it have never happened.
And fml I was so unlucky with destiel fanfiction. Because I kept founding only /THAT/ .. rape, abuse, pedophile, and even incest (it was an au)
I wasn’t lucky.
when I started reading Destiel fanfiction. It was beautiful. I read it for the excitement of them being in love and end together being happy.
It was great. I didn’t read for the sex scenes. It didn’t matter to me. I prefered bottom!cas but if the other was too I still read it and I was happy if it ended happy. The sad thing then cames. I started reading in ff.net (so guess that they aren’t tags.. so you just will never know what the writers come up with) .. and well a lot of things put me off and triggered me.
I didn’t even think someone would like that. Seriously?. I was disgusted and shocked. And the more I keep finding these fics. The more I was getting frustrated and nearly puke and started to hate people.
I don’t get why people should want one person raping the other to “show” that they love that person. Romanticizing RAPE?
I don’t get why if rape is a triggering problem. And I always see a lot of people here agreeing that men can get raped too and it’s disgusting. Why IN THE WORLD.. would you think Cas raping Dean is “HOT”? Do you think it’s hot when someone rapes others?
Do you think it’s HOT when someone beats the shit out of one person and in your fics write that and put the lame reason that “WOW, HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THAT? HE IS SUCH A BAMF. HE WOULD HAVE Dean in his knees. He would have everyone begging for them to fuck them. omg. It’s so sexy”.
These excuses made me so angry:
-“Dean is such a sub weeping. He just pretends to be so macho.”
-“Cas is such a BAMF angel. He has got powers. He can do whatever he wants. He can obligate Dean to have sex with him.”
-“Dean is so macho man. And acts so homophobic. Cas should teach him a lesson.” Punishing one man that acts that way? With RAPE? Are you kidding me?
-“Cas traveling in time when Dean is 6 years old. They have such a deep connection. It overpass everything. Dean was so innocent at that age. But somehow he trusted the man. He told him he was his angel. And let him have sex with him. This is my headcanon. They needed a soul bonding and what better than sex with a child, right?”
-“Dean cries so much omg. He would cry if he ever topped. He is such a bottom. He is too pretty. Don’t you see? He wants a family so much. How can’t you see that? He is like a girl.” (Fuck you very much) And ha every Jensen/Dean pic where you saw him naked IS A MANIP. And that invalidates your point. Because all those things are manip. Created by fans. That wanted him in kinky stuff. So if you think “Jensen did this photo. omg. In chaines. SUB!!!!!!” or “omg. Here jensen is such a twink. Look how would he ever top? How would he ever be a dom?. omg. NO. That’s impossible” :/ And here I am complaining about they mistaking Jensen manips with Dean. And how much I hate those manips. I hate it because people think they are real but they are NOT.
-“It needed to be done” Excuse to write Cas treating Dean like a whore to show him that he is the one to command and how in the fuck did the cute went? It was all fine at the beggining of the fic and then THIS. Oh yeah. Because no one is triggered by suddenly the character to turns out AGRESSIVELY and beat the shit out of Dean before demanding Dean to beg for “it”..???????? Oh no, that’s completely normal. “Ah yes because a lot of people agree with me. That was HOT. And people saying that fuck it was great.” Because treating someone abusive, calling him names and then demanding to beg for it. Oh yeah that’s so sexy. A so freaking TURN ON. wow. Yeah. I read the reviews and not a single one asked why it changed. No. It was all SO HOT. Well written. And I was there asking me why in the fuck did I read this shit. Why life hate me? And I was cursed. I didn’t have any luck.
And when I thought “ok, fine.. I just should move to another site” And so I went to livejournal.
Livejournal. There were tags.
But not all of them. They may have forgotten and it all happened again. The worst is that I found these in fics where dean was the bottom and…..
well now you guess why I hate it so much.
And now. I am not saying every destiel with bottom! (dean) is always rape or abuse or pedophile. No. But that was my experience on the fandom.
I have got the idea that most of the fandom wants Dean to get fucked. They don’t care who. It can be a male or female demon. A vampire. An angel. His brother. A female. A male. And even human!Impala. And oh how could I forget. By his daddy too? Right? By Azazel too. So that is that.
And thinking about that there was a time when I though “oh, yeah. It could happen. If Dean trusted Cas enough… but I would still prefer the other” but all of this thought went to crap for all those fics. They scared me and I hate them.
So I am done. I am done of being upset over this.
I know no one gives a fuck about what others could have experienced before.
I am leaving this place.
Tumblr: where you’re only allowed to post your opinion if everyone else agrees with it.
Oh, and do people agree with those things. A lot of people.
And so this is for the better. That way I can’t find these things again.
And that way those fics can’t bring back my horrible memories.
The memories of four men touching me sexually when I was a child.
Two of them were teenagers and the others two were young men.
It didn’t happen at the same time. It happened in different occassions.
And I haven’t told anyone about it because three of them are close to my family. And one of those three is someone I consider my brother. Because we grew up together. We grew as brothers but he couldn’t control himself and………………………. I was 6 or 7.
And the other one that made me fear a lot. He was 19. I was 8 or 9. Pedophile? And the others two were like very close to family but I didn’t knew who they were.
And triggered by abuse? Physical abuse.
My uncle was a militar and went throught a lot of shit so I don’t blame him but he have kicked me on my stomach or my head so many times and I wished him death but I regretted it as soon as possible because even though they damaged me. I love them. And I don’t want to destroy my family.
I can forget. So that’s why I am gonna do. And I need to get out of here to do so.
I want to relax and smile again. I don’t think I can be normal. But I will find peace somewhere. And that’s what I want.
I don’t even know if I made sense. I kept writing what I was thinking and what I wanted to say was only goodbye, everyone but I think I said everything.
8,9 or 10 people that I followed here were the best. You are amazing. And I hope you all be happy.
I adore all of you. I am sorry if I ever made you angry. I may didn’t agree with all your opinions. But you made me smile sometimes. With their ficlets or fics or drawings or simple by the fact that they showed in my dash and reblogged things that I liked.
Thanks for answering my questions. Or accepting suggestions from me. I appreciated our talks. If we ever talked and somehow I made you angry and never wrote to me again. I am sorry.
Goodbye, guys. Be strong ♥.